Love before sight - Mama's notes

Love before sight

In response to Synee on was it love at first sight?

It all started well before Liv actually entered this world. I believe from the moment I realized I was pregnant I fell in love. The first three months I was in denial because I did not want to get attached, just in case something happened. Those 9 months when she was inside were really amazing and definitely special because it was just her and me. Papa was there of course but I think for the papa she became real the moment she came out.

I was waiting for the birth with impatience and at the same time I wanted her to stay there inside me forever; well, that is not entirely true...by the 9th month I felt so huge and I was having so much water retention that I was more than ready for the little one to come out.

The thing was...she did not want to come out! She was cozy in there and apparently saw no reason why she should make a change. Already then she was stubborn. I was expecting to get a normal birth, however, circumstances made it that it ended up in a C-section. That moment I had been preparing myself for was kind of ‘stolen’. I was under so much drugs by the time they got her out of me; I can barely remember the doctor showing her to me before taking her away for measuring and washing, while they were sewing me back all together.

By the time I got out of the surgery room about an hour had passed. I was very drowsy. Papa was there with baby Liv in his arms and he was all emotional. It was hard to connect this little screaming baby to the one who had been happily kicking me all those months. The first few hours after her birth are a big blur to me. There was the first unsuccessful breastfeeding moment. There was strong pain in my lower belly after the drugs worn off. Extreme tiredness. Excitement. But no real time to look at Liv and absorb her. Nurses and doctors were so busy around me there was not really a time and space for bonding.

Eventually in the morning (Liv is born at 23h30), when all commotions had stopped and it was only the three of us...well I could not take my eyes of her. It finally downed on me that she was indeed my daughter and that I love her to bits.